Three days ago (on a Tuesday actually, because who really starts things on Mondays? Mondays equal failure,) I decided to get into some sort of exercise regimen – or at least something resembling exercise. I state it as such because it’s been literally six months since I’ve exercised on a regular basis and my body — rightfully so — is rebelling against any form of movement that causes stretching, burning, or general pain.
The routine is off to a slow start and after three days of attempted fitness I realize what I really need is an oil can so I can lubricate my once flexible but now oh-so-creaky joints.
I’m starting off slow by doing 15 minute sessions of yoga in the morning before work (look Ma! I feel refreshed and stretched!), and by power walking with my dog for an hour in the evenings, during which said workout my vocal cords are also getting a workout of their own (No, Mary Jane! No! NO! SIT! Slow down!).
I attempted a little kettle bell workout and it was more than adequate in getting me sore enough to feel productive with my body. I also attempted a session on one of my mother’s most awkward impulse purchases, the Ab Circle Pro; a noisy assemblage of plastic, steel, wheels. That’s pretty much all there is to the Ab Circle Pro. You place your knees on the cushy knee pads, grab onto the handle bars and swing your body from left to right and vice versa – kind of like a pendulum. Oh the swinging fun those abs are having!
I call it the Circle of Burned Vision, because once you see your mother attempt to do the inner thigh exercise on this piece of “machinery”, well, there’s no going back to the person you used to be. Picture your mother “in position” on the machine. Got it? Good…good…Now, imagine she’s spreading her legs wide apart as if each knee is trying to reach its corresponding handlebar. And you’re watching this from the back. Don’t turn away! Be strong. You can survive this. So yeah, I think the Ab Circle Pro has earned that nickname, fair and square.
I’m going to stay optimistic that this little bit of exercise that I do every day will help me regain my strength and muscle tone, and hopefully I’ll look better in a bikini come next summer. My ultimate goal is to be able get through five breaths of this yoga position:
Right now I can’t even get my toes off the ground. But damn it, I will get there. I can do it! I will do it! Who wants to hold me accountable?