Tag Archives: jane fonda

Bladders and fitness and Tyra, oh my!

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You know it’s a slow work day when you start getting tired of trolling around the Internet.  I’m starting to feel like an agoraphobe – except I’m not holed up in a dark room with only my thoughts and my imaginary friends to keep me company.

If I really wanted to I could probably look around for something to do.  But then again, it’s a Sunday and I don’t get any days off until the end of September, so I think I’ll continue towards my goal of permanently gluing my ass to the seat.  I’m in such a lazy mood today that I’ve been wanting to go the bathroom for the last half hour and have yet to go…at this point my bladder is crying out for help.

*BREAK*

Update: Bladder at last relieved.

I keep thinking that when I get home today I’ll be good and I’ll start doing a little bit of exercising.  Maybe a few squats and push-ups.  A little bit of yoga, perhaps.  Or some ab work.  Wouldn’t it be great if I could just do something productive with my time?  I haven’t exercised in 6 months and I’m starting to feel like a melting ice-cream cone:

The current state of my thighs.

I need to get back into a program – work out those muscles.  Lift my ass up. Tighten up those bat wings.  Turn that keg into a six-pack.

Basically I need to turn into this:

Body courtesy of Jane Fonda.

A few years ago I would train with a former bodybuilder/current Oakland police officer.  His name was Joe and he was a hard-ass.  With Joe I reached many milestones.  Like completing a push-up.  I also completed a tricep-dip. And I was totally committed.

At the time I used to work in San Mateo and I would drive up to Pacifica after work, have Joe work me over (oh, doesn’t that sound naughty) for two hours and head up North through the Bay Bridge to go home to Oakland.  I would basically travel a 100+ mile circle every single day, including weekends.  Needless to say I only lasted a year with this schedule.

I did experience a couple of firsts with Joe.  Besides the push-up and the tricep-dip accomplishments, I found out what it feels like to pee on yourself because you’ve been holding it in while doing circuit training and now Joe has you doing non-stop jumping jacks and all that does is tease your bladder into relieving itself.  The sensation of warm piss running down your legs is unforgettable, to say the least.

I also experienced the trauma of bursting your eye veins because you have 200 lbs. of weight on your shoulders and you’re in a deep squat and now your job is to push those 200 lbs. back into a standing position.  And you have to push so hard to complete the squat that it literally makes the veins in your eye burst.  I looked like some sort of cyclopic vampire – one bright red eye wandering in the night.

Who needs to see a burst eye vein, anyway? This picture is so much more fun! It's TYRA!

So yeah, you could say I have a lot to aspire to as far as my fitness goes.

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